House of Leaves

i've been wanting it for so long.
to read this book, i mean.
i was instantly drawn to the alterior, alternative, unconventional style of its prose.
the formatting and graphics and the various prominant footnotes throughout.
times, arial, courier.
every time the word "house" appears it's colored blue
and "minotaur" is red.
the shape of dialogue shifts throughout danielewski's textual genius.
is that was it is? genius?
or perhaps sadistic literary homicide would be more appropriate.

all i know is i can't describe how i'm feeling right now.
this very specific sensation is welling up within my chest
heavying, suffocating my lungs and distracting my thoughts.
i feel a burning
like asthmatic stabbing with a blunt and rusted object.

i really can't explain it.
i am much more frightened than i've been in a very long time.

i looked up the navidson record, the film in which this book acts as a sort of documentary for
just to see if it was real.
many of the references the author makes, the things he cites in his footnotes
they don't actually exist.
but fiction or nonfiction, perhaps that wasn't his point.
either way, i had to know that this didn't exist either.
maybe this nightmare and vertigo we speak of,
it couldn't get to me if it wasn't something i could actually see.

but there it was.
a trailer; a visual passage into the madness of the thing.
the monster.
a labyrinth.
a tangled web of spacial and time shifts.
i tried to watch it, but i couldn't bring myself.
i couldn't do it.

there is a distinct flavor in my mouth.
i'm positive its stemming from my cerebrum;
overwhelmed with territorial inconsistencies and a sort of lacking.

i also have a very specific feeling of uncanny.
freud and heidegger understood it. so does he.
i've been feeling it all day.
things about my life that aren't normally reflected in a text.
things that don't necessarily apply to a wide range of people,
but somehow fit perfectly into the problem of my puzzle.

how did it know?
i see it there, on my bedside table
calling out to me and begging for completion.
over 700 pages to be decoded and taken by force.
i'll never be able to conquer it. something is blocking me.

and since when was i agoraphobic and chlaustrophobic all at once?
this is doing something to me.
something sensational that i can't handle and don't want but cannot imagine being without.
i don't think i can live without knowing.

i really am completely and utterly terrified.